Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1:00pm *Hears noise* "Hmm I wonder what that was..." 1:00am *Hears noise* "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO BE MURDERED!"

   This beer tastes like I'm not waking up until the afternoon.

   We all have that friend that acts innocent, but is very naughty

   The annoying moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you're watching.

   Why post a picture on Facebook with the caption 'OMG I'm sooooooo ugly or fat' and then get annoyed when I agree?

   Facebook is the leading cause to cell phone battery deaths.

   Ghetto pronunciation: Bathroom = Baafrumm, Refrigerator = Fridgerataa, Remote = Moken Troll.

   Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.

   can I see your license and registration meow?

   Pretty soon people will be saying, "You were born in the 1900's?"

   I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World with a fishing pole.

   My parents used to be happy when I took naps but now they think I'm lazy.

   I bet procrastinating serial killers wait until today to buy their hockey masks.

   I go to your page because I miss you, then regret it because of what I see.

   Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

   The most ordinary things are made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people...

   I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important... like being awesome.

   ever wonder where hoarders come from? have a Yard Sale....

   The picture that comes inside the picture frame you buy, The people in it are always more attractive than the people in your picture. Makes it difficult to make the switch

   I got a job as a bounty hunter in China, I couldn't believe my luck!...Every time they put up a new wanted poster, the guy they were looking for was standing right next to me!