Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The workin man blues, is being wide awake before 5am on your day off.

   I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare him down while I order something completely different.

   I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

   A study found alcohol makes men better at problem solving, which is good news unless your problem is alcoholism.

   Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 200 facebook followers as dependents?

   I just woke myself up dreaming that I was waking myself up dreaming while I was laughing in my sleep. I don't think that's funny...

   Sometimes all you can say about a person is, "Bless their hearts." Southerners will understand what I'm talking about

   Ordale Pues, Lift Up Your Dress and I'll Do the Rest from Your Feet to Your Chest!

   On my way to the kid's school... apparently, a nicotine patch is not an appropriate substitute for a band-aid.

   not understanding why so many guys are wearing "TAPS" Tight-ass-pants.

   I'm watching Lionel Ritchie, and Big and Rich are doing Brick House. I am not convinced country singers need to stick to country, and leave the R&B to people with rhythm!

   just putting some salad bits on my bacon

   Black is beautiful, tan is grand, but white is the color of the big boss man!

   thought about you in the shower...twice

   Someone just used my driveway to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and *lonely face*

   My wife wanted to go window shopping so I took her to Jones Pane and Glass!

   My Superpower is always picking a shopping cart with "the one crapped-up wheel" ..... Anyone wanna help me design a costume?

   Dear Facebook, thanks for reminding me why moving away from my hometown was the best decision ever.

   Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing