Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.

   tries to read books that will make me look good if I die in the middle of reading them.

   Please don't bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them.

   My mom says it's her house, but when it's time to clean, it magically becomes my house, too.

   If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate.

   Tax Day! Just wanna say that taxation WITH representation isn't all that great either..

   I dont see how anyone can smoke in here, I can barely eat my sandwich...written on the wall of a porta-john

   These Nigerian conmen would actually more victims if they worked on their spelling a little.

   best place to hide a body, page 2 google search results

   OSHA. Article 260.17 States: All Turds over 6" Long shall be Hand lowered to prevent Chemical Splashback. ......On the Door of a Port-O-John.. LMAO!

   It's the saddest thing when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

   Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!

   I'm also not a JETS fan,,, but on E-Bay, If I ever see a old, used,, Dirty Sanchez jersey,, I'm TOTALLY buying that too....

   I just bought some jokes from IKEA,,,, I'm still not sure how to put them together with this Hex Thingy......

   Dr. just told me I have cancer and alzhiemers....atleast I dont have cancer

   I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife

   If cars really exploded as easily as they do in movie's, I wouldn't have made it hope from the delivery room.

   Damn Guess it's time to get out of the tub, my phones almost dead.

   Everytime a toilet overflows a flushed fish gets its revenge.

   oh oh here comes the slutty shorts