Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

   My tweets are only motivational if your motive is to become an a$$hole.

   "Woman impregnated at Motorhead concert seeks father on Craigslist." And they say romance is dead

   Just adjusted my life insurance policy to include the purchase of a hologram of myself that will blend into the crowd at my funeral.

   Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, kind of makes me wish I had genital herpes.

   I perfected the art of swilling so that nobody could say I have a drinking problem.

   I think Mitt Romney should pick Hologram Tupac for his running mate..

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day. Feels like it should be posted on Facebook.

   "Face tatoo in college" was put up yesterday. 04-17-2012 21:03, maybe check beforehand? lolz /smh

   Congress to release new economic recovery plan: Vegas, Baby!!!

   The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   I wish more parents let kids choose their own names. Then everyone would just be named Spiderman or Ariel or Fruit Rollup.

   If cats could drive they would all drive Volvos and not like you.

   Was born at night but not last night!

   When I meet someone and I get a "Nice weather we are having..." I say, "My dog's toys taste salty!" I find it moves the conversation along.

   Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

   The "Its Complicated" status on Facebook is referring to women in general, right?

   My Internet just went down... Looks like I gonna have to settle for time with my wife

   HEY,,,People of Canada: Why do you leave all of your coins here?

   “Use divorce, Luke...” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor