Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd have a better relationship with Vodka, I just can't make it last.

   Ok, just heard this on a radio... "Up next is Justin Bieber's Boyfriend." My suspicions are confirmed.

   There is no angry way to say 'bubbles.'

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   Ebonics word for the day "mayonaise". Mayonaise alot of crackers up in here

   going to the ventriloquist show tonight. My roof lamp told me that.

   thinks it's better to be "over the hill" then under it.

   I always read my Krispy Kreme order from a pretend list,, so they think I'm getting donuts for the whole office.

   I'm NOT political,,,,, just wondering if the 'once you go black' rule applies to presidents...

   If I were Vera Wang and I had a boy, I would name him Very Large Wang.

   If you don't enjoy scaring dogs by talking through a cardboard wrapping paper tube, don't bother stopping by my house on Christmas morning.

   How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it's right in front of them?!

   All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.

   The only funny thing about jay leno is that he's going to die someday.

   No human society exists without booze or religion. That's why we drink religiously.

   I want to fist punch any grown man that fist pumps

   We've got way too many pointless idioms but at the end of the day it is what it is & it's all good.

   milk expires tomorrow, guess who's having 3 bowls of cereal tonight!:D

   Today is the day in some households, that colored eggs get dumped in the trash. Because enough is enough.

   I decided to follow my dreams and it led me to a casino, then to 4 bars, an hour ago I was in a gun shop and now I'm in front of a bank.