Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.

   Grades don't measure intelligence, and age doesn't define maturity.

   Happines is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.

   The bad part about getting my hand stuck right now in a Pringles can is that I can't get it out,, because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

   Batman has a lot of cool toys,, but if he uses anything but a laser pointer to catch Catwoman in the next movie,, I'll be really disappointed.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has 100 percent REPOST success rate

   Men who are single, are single by choice. Women who are single, are single because they're b@t $hit cr@zy.

   I walk around while brushing my teeth because I get bored standing there

   The Mayans were right. There will be no new year this year, first sign...D!ck Clark is dead.

   Theres a new movie coming out starring Miley Cyrus...Its name? "LOL"...the Mayans were right people..

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog

   I don't care if it's 2-1 or 64-31 aslong as it's more than double thums down i'm happy happy joy joy!

   My blended dairy drink attracts young men to my yard & they proclaim its superiority to yours...I can give tutorage,, but require compensation.

   HEY!!,,,,,They're not letting me post during the intervention for my Facebook addiction.

   My 3yo asked where the bathroom was at the park because he had to pee. I said Son,,, you're a boy....The world is your toilet..

   If I could pick one famous person, living or dead, to spend a day with, I'd pick Kim Kardashian,,and choose dead.

   When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

   When I'm down on a woman I'm never thinking outside of the box.

   It's a sad day when someone dies. Unless you're in the will.

   Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.