Funny Status Messages
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Accidentally used AOL.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future. 
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out? ;)
Facebook should invent a relationship status that says "Only when i'm drunk."
Ladies, If you would simply make your Facebook profile pic a bikini shot, it would save me a lot of awkward stalking time.
Everyone has that friend that needs to stop bumming and buy their own pack of cigarettes.
If your relationship status says, " It's complicated" then you're single!!!!!!
Crying is not necessarily a sign of weak character. Sometimes it is a sign of strong onions.
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them German, Because life is also terrifying and confusing.
Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.
Grades don't measure intelligence, and age doesn't define maturity.
Happines is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.
The bad part about getting my hand stuck right now in a Pringles can is that I can't get it out,, because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.
Batman has a lot of cool toys,, but if he uses anything but a laser pointer to catch Catwoman in the next movie,, I'll be really disappointed.
The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has 100 percent REPOST success rate
Men who are single, are single by choice. Women who are single, are single because they're b@t $hit cr@zy.
I walk around while brushing my teeth because I get bored standing there
The Mayans were right. There will be no new year this year, first sign...D!ck Clark is dead.
Theres a new movie coming out starring Miley Cyrus...Its name? "LOL"...the Mayans were right people..
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog
I don't care if it's 2-1 or 64-31 aslong as it's more than double thums down i'm happy happy joy joy! 