Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   gas costs more than milk, I found out today that my car is lactose intolerant.

   I told a lady at work she had foundation problems. She said that I had never seen her house. True, but I could smell her face.

   Hmmm. Better get started on my taxes.

   BREAKING NEWS: Hologram Tupac Shakur has been shot...

   Here's my tip of the day...If the person you're "in a relationship" with has they're status as "single" it might be time for a relationship reassessment.Or atleast don't act so surprised and whine constantly when it's finally over.Shut up already,your gro

   If you cant stand behind our troops, feel free to to stand in front of them!

   When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   Don't be too confident and happy just because he calls you his boo. First, find out how many hoes out there he calls that too. Don't be blinded and fooled by sweet nothings.

   Like if you remember closing the fridge door really slow, just to see when the lights went off.

   Shout out to my girlfriend who's in the hospital with a severe case of nonexistence.

   My motto : Dumb is a five letter word.

   SARCASM: Giving me the exclusive power to humiliate idiots without them knowing it.

   Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I'd gone bald. Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.

   Oh, you hate when guys stare at your boobs? You should call the police and report the person who ripped your top three buttons open then.

   BALL SO HARD MUTHAFCKAS WANNA FINE ME." "Grandma, just pay the parking ticket..."

   My wife laughed at me because I struggled to get a proper full on erecti0n, I told her ''Its a lot harder than it looks''

   Oh, you have read every Harry Potter book? That's cool. So how long have you been single?

   H.O.E.S = Happily offering everybody sex.

   Can you still get a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch?

   The problem with Facebook is that everybody is on it. We plan to build a competing social network with nobody on it. - GOOGLE