Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

   I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

   Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

   It is amazing how many people have such bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   COME ON STIMULUS I GOT THE BODYWASH UPSIDE DOWN WIT A LIL WATER IN IT. 🤣

   Amen; The wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her.... Probably should have specified "with me"

   My New Year's Resolution was going to be to quit all my bad habits, but then it occurred to me- no one likes a quitter.

   My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

   2022 is going to be my year, I can just feel it!

   Twisted Tea is the new Can of Whoop-ass.

   Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

   Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts? Pac-Man: *deep breath*

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

   When people say we're in this together! I wonder if they'd mind if I sent them some of my bills until my stimulus check gets here?

   kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again

   Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.