Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I perfected the art of swilling so that nobody could say I have a drinking problem.

   I think Mitt Romney should pick Hologram Tupac for his running mate..

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day. Feels like it should be posted on Facebook.

   "Face tatoo in college" was put up yesterday. 04-17-2012 21:03, maybe check beforehand? lolz /smh

   Congress to release new economic recovery plan: Vegas, Baby!!!

   The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   I wish more parents let kids choose their own names. Then everyone would just be named Spiderman or Ariel or Fruit Rollup.

   If cats could drive they would all drive Volvos and not like you.

   Was born at night but not last night!

   When I meet someone and I get a "Nice weather we are having..." I say, "My dog's toys taste salty!" I find it moves the conversation along.

   Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

   The "Its Complicated" status on Facebook is referring to women in general, right?

   My Internet just went down... Looks like I gonna have to settle for time with my wife

   HEY,,,People of Canada: Why do you leave all of your coins here?

   “Use divorce, Luke...” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor

   And speaking of my EX,, " Divorce is Strong with this one." >> Darth Vader, Marriage counselor..

   *Galaxy Breaking News* Mars Rover discovers location for the next Wal-Mart Superstore...coming soon hillbilly's in space!

   Yo Hologram Tupac, I'm real happy for you and I'ma let you finish but Obi-Wan Kenobi was one of the best holograms of all time!

   has anyone spoken to bigfoot lately?

   Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding!