Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.

   My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public.

   I'm the first one to admit when I'm I'm wrong. I just never is.

   I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.

   Don't be so sensitive. When I said, "You're lucky, I could never pull off such a ridiculous outfit!" I meant it as a compliment.

   Actions don't speak louder than my grandmother asking me about my hemorrhoids in a crowded elevator.

   Nothing says "I've given up" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.

   Save water, Shower with a friend.

   when told the reason for daylight saving time, the old indian man said:- only a white man would believe you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of the blanket and have a longer blanket.

   This just in: The next upcoming New Years Rockin' Eve is to be hosted by a Hologram of Dick Clark.

   My dad thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Dick Clark just passed . LOL"

   Relax people, they made holograms of Tupac, Dick Clark can still appear on New Years Eve.

   Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?.....That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium

   Dick Clark has passed, we cant ring in the new year, well played mayans, well played

   Dick Clark is dead, secret service is out buying hookers, and Miley Cyrus is starring in a new movie called "LOL." The Mayans were right: 2012 is the end of the world.

   God made everything + everything is made in China = God is Chinese???

   If I'm ever attacked by a gang of clowns, don't worry about me, cause I'll imediately "go for the juggler."

   somedays it hardly seems worth it to chew through the leather straps

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I have a Gun , get in the Van

   some girls are such sluts I wouldnt even poke them on Fackbook