Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?

   Teacher told us how Tom Sawyer was a free-spirited tale of misbehaving rascals; then screamed at us to sit still & listen.

   Most priceless thing in my life??? My insanity...it makes everything ok :-)

   A new study says people who sit a lot die sooner. Basically, if you're a tennis umpire with a roommate who paints portraits, you're screwed.

   My nagging cough just told me I should be helping out more around the house.

   Just woke up from a nap with the WORST taste in my mouth

   education shouldn't be a debt sentence.

   Little known fact: George Zimmerman is as white as Barack Hussein Obama

   my wife just fell asleep on the couch with her mouth open... hmmm, tempting!

   ♫♪Yankee Doodle went to town...♫♪ Is Macaroni the feather, thehat, or the pony?

   Be an OPTIMIST Prime and not a NEGAtron.

   Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.....and who said statistics don't have a beginning, middle, and end.

   It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it....That's Hollywood

   It so crazy to see how many people are shocked by honesty, and how few by deceit.

   Every Saturday morning I wake up in fear... the fear of looking through my phone.

   Lebron: I'm proposing to my girl. Kobe: with what?

   Dear Inventor of the Keyboard, Why did you make the "t" and the "g" so close together? I keep signing my letters "With Retards"

   Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having

   If you're playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night & you put your ear up to your monitor, it sounds exactly like having no friends.