Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: What sign are you most compatible with? Me: Krispy Kreme's hot and ready sign.

   I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?

   So in retrospect, in 2015, no one got the answer right to the question, "Where do you see yourself in 2020?"

   The coin shortage didn't work. Go ahead and mail the mystery seeds.

   I'm thinking of opening up a restaurant called "meatballs and tea" and have billboards on the highway advertising it with the slogan "even if you don't like our balls, you can still come in for a tea bag"

   I successfully said "Worcestershire sauce" today!

   I don't go to the mailbox because that's where the Responsibility Monster lives.

   If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

   My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

   A cashless society was predicted in the Bible. It was written in the Book of Visa.

   Wanting to watch OANN for the truth is like eating donuts for weight loss.

   What's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?

   I think I am going to get a Dr's lab coat and post a video on how to treat Covid with my credentials being "A bunch of my family are Dr's, so that makes me qualified".

   Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report?

   Dear Baseball, Six innings is plenty.

   I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

   Someone threw a jar of mayo at me...I was like, "what the Hellmann"?

   if this 2nd stimulus goes through, I want this payment in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck