Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

   Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?” Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

   Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

   Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

   I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

   My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

   When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

   I just need you to find me 100 upvotes! I can't stand losing, and I'll try anything to win!

   If you are ever wondering who your real friends are, delete your Facebook account and see who calls.

   Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self-centered lives already in progress.

   Biden cheated. Get over it. He's a cheater....

   Since the beginning of the corvid the closest thing to a vacation I've been taking is by logging out of my unpaid job at facebook.

   Biden won. Get over it, Trump weirdos.

   Hates when vegans say, “nice to meat you,” instead of, “nice to plant you.”

   Why should I trust the toothpaste recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists when they're the ones who make money fixing people's teeth?

   Farting under the covers is no longer called a dutch oven. It’s now a "covid test". If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   Just found a document that says all our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776…

   Plan-Demic Cruelty. Let us never forget, was unleashed on the world intentionally one week after the failed impeachment hoax.