Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a Truck Driver, let me say after several days of mid 90 degree temps, beaver season is in full swing.

   You know sex is on the menu when she slingshots her bra across the room.

   Gals, if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time you get out, your boobs will be sparkling clean.

   A ‘bad' woman is exciting and she's the kind of woman a man never gets tired of being around.

   No one man has done more to bring peace to mankind than the inventor of coffee.

   In life, people who deserve nothing usually end up getting everything.

   I'm getting a seeing eye dog and never looking up from my phone again.

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it… bed.

   The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough

   Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for sh!t to happen.

   A realtor called asking if I'm interested in selling my house. I'm interested in my neighbour selling his so I booked him an appointment.

   Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

   The Google home page today features a giant zipper. I'm NOT gonna open it. Who knows what'll pop out.

   Hey, people who start stories with, "You're not gonna believe this!" Calm down. We'll probably believe it.

   I'm a problem that you'd be glad to have.

   Facebook now has 901 million users and I'm pretty sure all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.

   I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.

   If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

   One thing I've learned about myself after all this time on Facebook is that I have no idea how to use a comma.