life Funny Status Messages

   My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

   The way Donald Trump think everyone is a killer, its safe to believe he was a cat in previous life.

   My New Year's resolution is to announce a bunch of grandiose plans & changes I want to make for the new year, but then seamlessly slide into the same destructive patterns that have kept me suppressed in a life of mediocrity for as long as I can remember.

   MY GOAL FOR 2016 IS JUST DO LIFE BETTER!

   Almost time for "New year the new me, 2016 is mine bull$hit. Your life sucked last year and it will suck again in 2016

   When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!

   I've never seen grown men more upset over a Disney Movie in my life.

   What's the shelf life of an Elf on a shelf ?

   Hey kids, know what's harder than graduating from college? Busting your a$$ for $hit wages the rest of your life...

   Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

   I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately.

   Unsubscribing to emails requires three or more clicks,, So I'm just going to keep deleting them for the rest of my life.

   To any American who wants a better life, leave the country, denounce your US citizenship and come back as an illegal immigrant. . .

   I know why blacks are always angry....you would be too if you had to go through life with a wad of pubic hair on top of your head.

   Don't take life laying down. That is, unless you're a prostitute. . .

   LIFE HACK: Just eat your burrito over a tortilla,,, anything that falls out, will simply start building your next burrito

   Your Fortune Cookie for Today: A long-forgotten loved one will soon come back into your life. Buy the negatives at any price.

   What is it that I want out of life? An apology would be a good start.

   You know, if Facebook is conflicting with your real life relationships then it's time to take a break. We need your full commitment over here!

   Life is about what you do after the knock happens.