Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.

   I'm beginning to think Queen Latifah is not actually a queen.

   "My God, they spilled glass shards, tacks and honey on this floor. How will we get it up?" Law & Order: Special Vacuums Unit

   You act like I was drinking alone...but I had the entire Verizon network with me

   With fewer toothpaste choices on the market now, maybe those 5 dentists can finally agree.

   My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

   price of the most expensive premium gas on 4/16/2012 - California: $4.472 per gallon ************* price of the CHEAPEST gas (natural 95) in Europe: 1.6 EUR per liter = 3.785 EUR per gallon = $5.00 per gallon....... who should be complaining now?

   The best way to get over a girl is get under a different one....

   When I need a friend, you're there.. When I'm lonely, you're there.. When I'm afraid, you're there.. When I need help, you're still there.. Dammit! When the f*ck will you come over here?? You're always there!!

   Hey Britt's..... I'm one of those "Smelly Fuck" Americans and I have a question for you... I found this old looking sword that has "Property of Cornwallis" stamped on the blade somewhere near Yorktown.... Does it belong to one of you guys?

   ❒Single ❒Taken ✔My right hand.

   I gave the wrong answer to the "boxers or briefs" question. I replied, "Depends."

   Two Way Monologue - The normal in any relationship

   What to do when you're wrong: a) admit you're wrong, b) make adjustments, c) move along.

   I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   In America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   After last night's drunken escapades, I'd think my friends should have had better judgement than to be friends with me.

   My doctor told me to stop drinking today...then he told me to stop laughing.

   Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.

   There are times I'll make up words and slip them into conversations just to see if anyone is actually protempifying to what I'm saying.