Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet.

   Somewhere in the world a stripper is having a mental breakdown on the pole...... HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

   I don't wallow in self pity, I drink through it like a real man.

   You take "the" out of psychotherapist.

   I look in a mirror and wonder what became of the eager, wide-eyed boy with the world in front of him, then figure by the size of me I ate him.

   Pro tip; If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap.

   I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like "We can make this work."

   I dress for success because getting dressed is the most successful thing I do all day.

   Me: Hey, you want some oysters? Him: No thanks. I'm Jewish. Me: Oh don't worry they're free.

   I saw my ex go kiss her new boyfriend I shouted, "Hey! That's been on my pen!s!"

   unfortunately, my day dreams about being skinny are always interrupted with the sounds of my chewing.

   Ive been here for a while but never post, but every time someone upsets the balance and brings something new all you people do is complain. It refreshing to see somebody like meatloaf offer up some positive feedback.

   My wife always closes her eyes during sex, she hates to see me having a good time.

   Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA HA HA!!!

   I think they call it the LIFETIME network because when you are forced to watch one of those stupid shows IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT.

   When money 'talks' nobody checks the grammar..

   today I got a raise...so what? Today I also found out I'm to become a dad for the first time! Not the biggest deal! Later I won a paid trip to Hawaii! Yeah ok...Then I argued with the wife and she ended it by saying "you're right"! PARTY AT MY PLACE!

   One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.

   Inspirational status of the day: Don't be a douche.

   Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could've given her a heads up, but then I wouldn't have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.