Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   Went deep-sea fishing with my neighbor yesterday. He was tough to get on the hook, but you should see the shark I caught!

   "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common....... I hate you too. Let's date.

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

   This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Pissing me off is like kissing a Rattle Snake... it's just not a good idea.

   Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.

   I do my best Kool Aid Man wall busting impression when I arrive at a party and find out there's no booze.

   Well, it's almost that time of year I find out who my real friends are when I start getting calls from friends I haven't heard from since last Summer. You know, since I have a swimming pool and all.

   I wish relationship history was as easy to delete as browser history.

   TSA told me to report any suspicious activity, and they got mad when I told them I saw a black guy leaving a tip at one of the restaurant

   Being skinny with abs is like being fat with big boobs... doesn't count.

   I dont know whether to cut my veins or let them grow...

   when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

   B*tch you're a booty call!! Stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated"

   Just remember, someone loves everything you hate about yourself.

   When I'm on the phone I move my arms around when I'm giving directions even if the person can't see me.

   If breakups never existed, the music industry would go BANKRUPT.