Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego

   That episode of Star Trek where Superman goes on a blind date with Rosie O'Donnel is on. Also, how much NyQuil is too much?

   Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.

   I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.

   The nap I just took should sell T-shirts.

   That wrestling match you have with your friend, when they take a bad photo of you and refuse to delete it.

   Everyone has one friend that they secretly hate.

   Sometimes relationships don't work out because of timing, but most of the time it's because someone is an as$hole.

   Wife: My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks. Husband: What did your dentist say?

   Jay-Z has vowed to never use the word "bi$ch" again. I guess he has 100 problems now.

   My wife's great-great-grandmother on her mother's side was The Kracken

   Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.

   I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!

   Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

   Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...

   Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...

   You know you are in a bad part of town when you fear being robbed by the convenience store clerk...

   It;s amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumbass!"

   Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like... "Dude, shouldn't you be hanging out with people your own age?"

   I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.