Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband!

   Paddy goes on a 1st aid course, the instructor asks him what would you do if your child swallowed the front door key? Paddy said i'd climb through the window.

   I took the Mrs to the doctor's as she had a golf ball stuck up her arse. He said" f*ck me, that's up a fairway"!

   Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!

   My size 28 girlfriend decided to go to an aerobics class, she bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped up and down for an hour. But by the time the fat c*nt had got her leotard on, the class had finished!

   My password is ***********.

   Glass blowers always go glass to mouth

   Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."

   I could be a sports analyst because I'm good at saying "at the end of the day" and "arguably".

   Life has a weird way of working out if you take enough booze and drugs

   I'd tell you a joke about my p*ssy...but you'd never get it!!!!!!!

   I saw my therapist today, she didn't see me....grin..

   Whenever a bird craps on my car , I sit on my front porch and eat a plate of scrambled eggs just to let them know what I am capable of

   It makes me sad when people say they married their best friend, mainly cuz marriage between a man & beer will never be legal.

   I don't look outside windows at night because I'm scared of seeing a face.

   Do you ever get the feeling your being watched? Because if its bothering you, I'll stop...

   has the feeling that the Saturday night beer fairy will be visiting shortly.

   A wise old man once said nothing....bet a woman can't do that!!

   Grandma just answered the TV remote when the phone rang...the only weird part is she had a ten minute conversation.

   since state farm also offers life insurance, why do you never hear a commercial say "like a good neighbor state farm is there....with a bullet in my spouse's head"?