Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As you take another breath, someone takes their last. Stop complaining; appreciate life.

   You can sue tobacco companies and McDonalds, so can I sue Barry Manilow for making me a pu$$y??

   If the minimum wage is good enough for all Americans, then that's how much Congress should make as well.

   My girlfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because she doesn't exist.

   Dear Google, please don't tell anyone about the things I've searched for- Sincerely everyone.

   My girlfriend told me I'm awful in bed. I don't know how she can tell in 30 seconds.

   How do you make a woman blind?.... Stick a car windscreen in front of the b!tch.

   Ben got really upset when I called him a f@g, I've never seen someone run down the road in high heels so fast.

   What if air is just a poisonous gas that takes about 80 years to kill us?

   They say everybody has at least one gay thought in their lifetime... I told myself as I slowly backed away from Justin Biebers new album

   2 car pile up on the Mexican border, thousands die

   There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you.

   Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.,

   Well that was a bit disappointing. That Insta-gram wasn't what I thought it was going to be!

   I tried to stop a jukebox like the Fonz. In a related note I'm the proud owner of 15 new stitches, just in case you were wondering how cool I was.

   I don't understand why my friend and his wife won't talk to me anymore... They are vegetarians so I think it's well within my right to call their kids "Children of the Corn."

   What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?

   I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.

   Who do you suppose was the first person to ever kick butt and think, "Hey, I know, I'm gonna start taking down some names too."

   *coming soon* "Toy Story 3"....Buzz and Woody meet some of Andy's mom's toys, that incidentally have the same names.