Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

   [6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

   I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions. Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

   i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

   My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger?

   Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

   Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

   My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to put it in its place. So, I looked at it and said, Don’t forget that you’re only a towel, and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

   My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

   *stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark -me as a tattoo artist

   I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

   Funny how children make accidents in darkness but accidents in the dark make children.

   If you dated a Sagittarius or a Leo don't worry about what's in the Vaccine

   I know this isn't the time for this y'all. But Capitol and Capital are two different words

   I can’t work as a cashier. The minute your card declines imma say “DAMNNN!”

   Can you give someone a skin graft from your butt Ass skin for a friend.

   If you gonna keep going back to a toxic relationship, deactivate yer social media

   My Mom sent me a friend request.... BLOCKED, you not one of my lil friends remember?

   Anyone know how long it takes to get hearing aids back from repair? I sent mine off two weeks ago and haven't heard anything since

   Maybe when the stuff was going down at the Capitol on Wednesday, the Government should have sent in Social Workers instead of the police.