Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

   Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

   My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

   We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.

   Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

   Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

   I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

   Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee* Therapist: You’re late again Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

   the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   So if we defund the police and someone breaks into my house, do I just call the coroner directly or what?

   My five year plan is to make it through this year.

   People always write "Congrats" in their FB posts because most don't know how to spell "Kongrajulashins".

   If you're wondering what all the talk about "Karens" means. It's a large group of women in charge of the homeowners association.

   I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home...

   Don't be an anti-semite, be a yo-semite.

   Just broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

   Everyone is wearing masks & school starts back soon....the teachers are gonna sound like Charlie Brown's teacher....wah wah wah

   "So!..where should we store 2,750 tons of high explosive for years on end?" "Just use that warehouse next to the firework factory, should be ok!"

   Can you imagine being a speechwriter and having to anticipate that the President of the United States might not know how to pronounce big words like “Yosemite.”