Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife's a magician. She can turn anything into an argument.

   Time is not wasted, when your wasted all the time" ~Benjamin Franklin (I think.)

   I want to meet the teenage versions of my parents.

   My wife wants to go on Holiday and be treated like a Queen. So I brought her a ticket to India, as they worship cows over there.

   My girlfriend said she gives up and can't see me anymore. I am amazing at hide and go seek.

   My recycling guy knows 2 things about me... I don't recycle very often and I like beer.

   I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently, she left me a few days ago.

   I hold my bottle of beer the same way as I hold my wife. By the neck.

   Overheard" Toyota Prius- you may get 53 mpg in that, but chances are you are still not getting laid"

   I'll never forget my wife's last words "Are you sure I don't need a parachute?"

   Son when I was young there was no wheels on suitcases, we carried them wherever we went.

   I have a great new way of lasting longer in bed with my wife. I keep my eyes open and think about her.

   Last night my wife said to me, "What would you do without me?" Apparently, "Your sister" was the wrong answer.

   My wife told me I spend too much time on facebook, so I poked her and liked her divorced status.

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.

   Ever skip a day from taking a shower, and you run your finger behind your ears and it smells like parmesan cheese?

   If you're going to be a dcik, you might as well be a huge one

   Don't you hate it when being polite and holding a door open turns into a "clowns in a car trick"?

   Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald.