Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest natural resources which must be preserved at all costs.

   i lifted this heavy object till I farted, I had to apologize to the guy in the other urinal

   The secret to life - Replace one worry with another.

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now,& apparently it's getting serious. Kanye is who she wants to spend the rest of the month with.

   I witnessed 5 skinheads beating up a frail old lady across the street last night. I didn't intervene because I didn't know who started it.

   Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   "Local artist" is just fancy talk for "stinky guy nobody likes."

   Dude, you don't need to add 'I'm Just Sayin' to whatever you just said, since clearly you just said it. Just sayin.'

   I thought when people lie to me their pants were supposed to catch on fire. Turns out that's a lie also. Trust no one.

   Whoever said "If you love something, let it go" should have clarified that statement with "but not if it's a baby!"

   When covertly referencing your bathroom necessities, instead of using 'number 1 or number 2', we should say "I have to R2D2 or C3peeO"

   "Hey girls, stop doing that thing with your lips when you take pictures. You're making us look stupid." - ducks

   Just seen two hobos hitting each other with cardboard, pillow fight!

   ..R.I.P - Adam Yauch, Co- Founder of the Beastie Boys

   So my son keeps getting in trouble at school so I go to meet his teacher and she is Hot.. So after I left the teacher my son says " so now can you see why I love getting asked to stay after class". What can you say to that!!!..jamie wallis

   Dear sweatpants and hoodies: thanks for being there for me. Sincerely, sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it!!

   creeping your photos and I might add I'M IMPRESSED!!!

   Click your heels together three times and go fack yourself

   [This Status Update Deleted By Facebook Staff For Inappropriate Content]

   The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."