Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not loving anyone that I'm not legally required to.

   I'd like to help, but not as much as I'd like not to.

   NEW SECRET SERVICE CODE OF ETHICS: 1.) When arguing with a hooker in the hotel hallway, Use your "Inside" voice. 2.) You're only allowed to jump on a prostitute if you hear her ticking. 3.) Proudly display the U.S. Flag, But NOT the pole.

   Getting Old- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

   OH, IT'S ON NOW! -me, every time I switch the lights on.

   The Avengers have Assembled.......and The Dark Knight will Rise.

   I'm officially old...spent the day looking for a store that went out of business 20 yrs ago

   Love how the Salvation Army gets top dollar for donated old crap...I thought they were supposed to help poor people. Sorry Mr. Freezing Homeless guy..that coat is $40.

   the circus is in town!!! oh wait, nah, its jus walmart

   Noone is ever best-friends with an English major...

   Had to lift both feet on the toilet today......it was awesome!!!

   ┐('.'┐) ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ (┌'.')┌ cus' this is thriller, thriller night...@

   The transformation of Facebook into MySpace is almost complete.

   Cello Green has T-Rex arms.

   When I die I'm gonna become a ghost & watch attractive people shower.

   When someone sends you a text that says “call me”. Why didn't you just damn call me?

   You know you're awesome when Facebook suggests people you have already had sex with.

   Dear Websites that automatically play loud videos, thanks for trying to get me fired!

   Do NOT lower your standards to "keep" anyone. Make them meet you at YOUR level. Self respect is power.

   I'm going to open a store next to FOREVER 21 and call it "FINALLY 22".....