Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two weeks 'til America's Got Talent. Judges: A has been radio jock. An unfunny comedian. And a woman who's husband would have never advanced on this show.

   I have a dead friend on my Facebook. Is it wrong that I send her game requests so I can get credits?

   I think I'm going to start taking steroids. I don't care about muscles, I just want to be able to cross my legs more comfortably.

   Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.

   I had a very akwrd moment in the checkout line today. I grazed a lady's boob... It was embarrassing for both of us and the two people between us too.

   I think it would be cheaper to just buy stamps and mail my car back and forth to work.

   The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie.

   You would think that by now those dumbass sickos that get busted on Dateline NBC's show To Catch a Predator would just haul ass as soon as they saw the clothes basket.

   No matter how many times I've been done wrong, I'll continue to be faithful, honest, and loving; sooner or later someone will appreciate it.

   Cat: Meow … Me: Meow? … Cat: Meow meow … Me: Oh my lord. I speak cat.

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego

   That episode of Star Trek where Superman goes on a blind date with Rosie O'Donnel is on. Also, how much NyQuil is too much?

   Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.

   I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.

   The nap I just took should sell T-shirts.

   That wrestling match you have with your friend, when they take a bad photo of you and refuse to delete it.

   Everyone has one friend that they secretly hate.

   Sometimes relationships don't work out because of timing, but most of the time it's because someone is an as$hole.

   Wife: My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks. Husband: What did your dentist say?

   Jay-Z has vowed to never use the word "bi$ch" again. I guess he has 100 problems now.