Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If God had meant for today to be perfect, he wouldn't have invented tomorrow.

   Charles thought he'd struck gold with his metal detector. It wasn't until he'd dug a 60ft hole that he realized that he had steel-toe boots.

   For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   Actually, I can believe it's not butter...

   women who dont wear underwear never get their panties in a bunch

   i have never faked a Sarcasm in my life

   Can anyone recommend a good website where people I knew in high school post pics of their meals?

   I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

   I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

   As I slid my finger down her g-string I thought to myself..... what a nice guitar.

   This girl just agreed to go on a date with me this weekend. Now I just need to email her my terms and conditions and we are good to go.

   When my Mrs left I was sad & lonely :( Since then, I've got a dog, shagged 2 women & blown a £1000 on booze & cocaine. She'll go mental when she gets in from work!!

   This single life is great, I just need someone to share it with

   "I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" - girls who are mad

   just wondering why they have a box to put your name in when you can just put someone else's name

   Sucks when you find out you have crabs and are allergic to shellfish

   I am not really sure I can trust panda express. They say they have talking, emoting pandas that eat meat....sounds too good too be true

   Just ran into the ex-girlfriend. She's doing fine ...but my poor car was totaled beyond recognition

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

   I cant take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you are coming to my room.