Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...Be enhanced by your strengths, not inhibited by your struggles...(",)

   My ideal job would be getting paid by a sassy black woman to back up all her statements with "mmmhmm!" And "Hooooo Damn! Girl!"

   1990: I like big butts and I can not lie! 2005: Booty, booty, booty, booty- rockin everywhere! 2011: Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass!

   Hooray! Hooray! The first of May! Outdoor sex begins today!

   "It's not you, it's me" - me, explaining "awesome"

   As a father to 2 sons & a grandfather to 2 grandsons,, I often find myself torn between.. "Don't ever do that again" and " Ahh,Good one!"

   CREDULOUS FUNFACT: This May is the first month in 422 years to contain SIX Saturdays.

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky..

   FOL- Fart out Loud.

   OMG! Debbie needs building supplies in Farmville and Josh played MOON on Words with Friends, OMG! OMG! OMG!

   Just once I'd like to hear Obama say "Niga Please"

   Getting Old- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

   What came first, internet porn or "clear all search history"?

   The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.

   My ex just sent me a photo of her having sex with her new boyfriend. I sent it to her Dad

   The guy who invented copy and paste is my hero.

   9 out of 10 doctors agree that the 10th doctor doesn't know what he's talking about.

   After going back to school I can now spell G.H.O.S.T.

   I just realized why Obama raised tobacco taxes to exponential levels. It's pure profit from all his supporters continually blowing smoke up his a$$.

   Look...the very LEAST we could do is have sex.