Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Jesus, I can afford wine. How about you start turning water into gas?

   Some kids think they are so smart when they get behind a computer... Bi$ch, I have email accounts older than you.

   If I gave a sh*t, you'd be the 1st person I'd give it to.

   By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you: deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my A$$ !

   I believe in Karma That means I should be able to do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .

   New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.

   I'll act my age when I'm 69.

   I Dared my sister to go in to the mens washroom today..but she did not have the Balls ..

   I speak 4 languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm, & Real Sh!t..

   Grandma turned 84 today,Hope she like's the push up bra I got her.

   Heading to Mt. Pilot with Thelma Lou for Goobers funeral...

   If you don't scream "AHH,, IT BURNS!!" when peeing in public,,, then you're no fun.

   Never look down on anybody,... unless you're helping them up.

   im gonna get a tattoo to make my pen!s look like a broom...my gf SUCKS at cleaning

   It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! - Rocky Balboa

   Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, keep your stuffed animals closest.

   Put Anthony Hopkins and Robert De Niro on the same screen and you no longer have just a movie ..You have God's favorite movie,

   Ladies, why does it take you so long to get ready? Is it that hard to put on a fu?king apron?

   Ladies: If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't

   The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.