Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Come on guys, lets be honest, gays only want to be married for tax breaks. They don't believe in God or anything Christian so that is the only reason. Don't lie to yourself or others.

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backward... I think he inherited that from mom. Or maybe dad.

   I washed my hands of OCD...... Again.

   It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

   If I could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.

   If you're water-skiing in the desert and you blow a tire, how many pizzas does it take to shingle a doghouse?

   keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in the closet?

   BUNGEE JUMPING - $25 per person. @$$holes get in FREE! No strings attached.

   If ur Cinco de mayo didnt end wearing a pirate costume bein chased down the street by Dog The Bounty Hunter, then yours wasnt as fun as mine

   just ordered a steak and they asked if I wanted it cooked rare, medium or tanning mom

   Justin Bieber's perfume smells like Bubble gum and shame

   My biggest fear is that FB will rat on on me and post "So&So is listening to Hall and Oats on IHeart Radio".

   Never "hood-slide" like Bo Duke on a hot summer day wearing cut-off jean shorts....

   Its so cold outside this black lady told me "you gonna freeze to deaf". Now I know why they wear toboggans all the time.

   The fact that the voice in my head yells whenever I read something thats in all capital letter kinda DISTURBS ME.

   The Nutley Mom from NJ turned 50 shades of tan !!!!!!!!

   We live in a world that says The "Walk of Shame" is after having sex, but walking out of a bathroom after dropping the ultimate stink bomb is a prestigious accomplishment.

   Well it's here again..Belly Button week on FB, post a pic of your belly button as your profile...remember, no matter if it's an "inny" or an "outie", lint is welcomed!!

   Can't wait till I'm old and I can play the 'fall asleep' card in awkward situations

   If I ever go missing, put my picture on a bourbon bottle; no one I know drinks milk.