Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd sure like to "Up" a "Ton'' of something in Kate Upton.

   The best time to give kids advice is when they're still young enough to believe you.

   Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!

   ‎69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.,

   Very excited for tonight's super moon, but I'm not looking forward to hearing the Mexican-werewolves............

   The 5th of May. It's the only day Californians don't wake up to the sound of leaf blowers. 23 hours ago Comment Like

   It's a good thing most mens rooms have changing tables because sometimes I need to lay down after I poop.

   Well on and on and on and on I can't stop y'all 'til the early morn' So rock y'all tick tock y'all to the beat y'all C'mon and rock y'all I give thanks for inspiration It guides my mind along the way*RIP MCA

   Happy Cinco De Miracle Whip ... I DON'T CARE FOR MAYO :)

   I will gather my Grandchildren around for one of my bedtime stories. Like todays story about the "Cinco De Mayo",, a riviting yet sad tale of a ship, laden with mayonaise,,, which sinks off the coast of Mexico.(cue background music, Wreck of the Edmund..)

   Cinco de Mayo. I don't see what the big deal is. The Mexicans were victorious over the French.........who can't beat the French

   Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest natural resources which must be preserved at all costs.

   i lifted this heavy object till I farted, I had to apologize to the guy in the other urinal

   The secret to life - Replace one worry with another.

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now,& apparently it's getting serious. Kanye is who she wants to spend the rest of the month with.

   I witnessed 5 skinheads beating up a frail old lady across the street last night. I didn't intervene because I didn't know who started it.

   Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   "Local artist" is just fancy talk for "stinky guy nobody likes."

   Dude, you don't need to add 'I'm Just Sayin' to whatever you just said, since clearly you just said it. Just sayin.'

   I thought when people lie to me their pants were supposed to catch on fire. Turns out that's a lie also. Trust no one.