Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   (づ▶__◢)づ︻┳デ═一 say YOLO one more time.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right. My life has been a never ending quest to determine just how many are required.

   I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve loved being the first people,, cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts

   I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."

   If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security.

   If you own a dog you know... The Look...

   sooo glad tomorrow is Monday!!! (crickets chirping)...what?...

   I could never go to a hip hop concert. I never feel like saying either Hey or Ho when told to.

   My date went pretty well last night. I was really attracted to her and sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex for hours. Kinda makes me wonder why didn't I get a taser sooner.

   Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. For many people today is Toileto de Puko

   I dropped my M&M's down the loo as I flushed. It was like a mini nascar race.

   I just got my pen!s caught in my zipper,,,,,,,,,,, I knew I shouldn't have bought those zip up shoes.

   One day, I'll start messing with your feelings and you'll get mad because I finally learned how to play your game and beat you at it.

   Not everyone can go down in history, but if you play your cards right...You can go down on me.

   I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients are clueless.

   I use to be nice, nice guys finish last, so I did what any smart person would do; I adjusted....

   I'm 99.9999% sure you're not in love with me, but it's that 0.0001% that gives me hope and keeps me holding on.

   I hate people who can't make up their minds. I love them.

   · you know if she hasn't text ya back half of the the night you know shes taken care of

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard" ?*