Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor: "Is this her first child?" Me: "No, this is her husband."

   What do we want? A cure for TOURETTE'S! When do we want it? C@NT'S.

   The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep Happy Mother's Day

   I attribute my great patience to all the dial up porn I watched in the 90s ...

   Happy Mothers Day to all the good Mothers out there and a BIG f#ck you to all the sh!tty ones

   What do Chicago Bulls fans do after watching the Bulls win a play-off game?? ... turn off the play station 3

   I am pretty sure some girls just have babies so they can put it on their Facebook pages.

   If I'm ever resurrected after I'm murdered I'm going to be one vengeful b@stard.

   Husband during anniversary dinner, "I love you so much, let's go do it in the alley. I'll give you $30."

   If your baby is singing a Nicki Minaj song, I will trip that baby.

   If someone sends you 5 texts in a row, and you don't respond, that's basically going to be their suicide note.

   If weddings were for couples there would be men's wedding magazines.

   A great relationship is when you notice your girlfriend has just out-farted your record setting giant fart from 2yrs ago and all you think is ‘Oh my god she did it!!”

   Kim Cattrall must be pretty tired of acting like she's sexy.

   How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?

   Seventy minus one equals dinner for two.

   I think I'm going to get the bird flu from the grey goose and wild turkey I'm drinking tonight

   "Religious moderation is the product of secular knowledge and scriptural ignorance."

   i have a new friend who is deaf. It is great that she reads lips. I just wish she would stop highlighting my mouth every time I say something important.

   If words could kill, I'd sentence you to death.