Funny Status Messages

   You'd think with all that money Rihanna is making she'd be able to afford clothes.

   "You're looking festive today" is not a compliment.

   That woman's husband on the cover of TIME looks awfully young.

   Nothing lowers the property value on a woman like a thigh bruise.

   My mother taught me RELIGION. “You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

   If you had 4 kids and your wife was pregnant with your 5th, how would you announce it on the Internet? I am asking for a friend.

   Boy, pregnant women don't like to be called "b!tches" at ALL!

   Shout out to all mothers. The fathers know what they did.

   I woke up drunk , so I kept drinking !

   naming your daughter Penny is setting the bar a little low, isn't it?

   Ellen DeGeneres would make an amazing Crocodile Dundee.

   My husband's birthday is in a few days and as a gift to him I am taking the date rape drug.

   We'd be scared of beavers if trees screamed.

   Girls who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear' know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them

   Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Jersey Shore.

   it cardio if you put on your swimsuit and have a panic attack?

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   Jack White is just Edward Scissorhands with human hands.

   If someone doesn't stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it's totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.