Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......

   Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent's last sentence in a whiny voice.

   Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I'm driving.

   GOSH! You try to relax naked in the hot tub with a liquor drink and a cigar and the whole staff at the YMCA goes into an uproar..... Sheesh.

   I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.

   I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!

   I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :)

   Your duty as a best friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck

   Every girl has 3 personalities: 1) When she's with her family. 2) When she's with her friends. 3) When she's with HIM.

   You don't need a $500 camera to take a photo of the bathroom mirror.

   I gave our new female employee an instant promotion in exchange for sex. You should've seen her face when she found out I wasn't the boss.m

   Some of my "friends" on Facebook need to be reminded that high school is over.

   If putting a cup holder, car stereo, car horn, and a patio umbrella on my riding mower is weird, I dont wanna know what normal is.......

   Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you!

   I'll believe almost anything someone tells me in a British accent because they sound really smart when they talk.......

   Irony: People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.

   When I have money, I have nothing to buy. When I don't have money, I want everything.

   Dear Jesus, I can afford wine. How about you start turning water into gas?

   Some kids think they are so smart when they get behind a computer... Bi$ch, I have email accounts older than you.

   If I gave a sh*t, you'd be the 1st person I'd give it to.