Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm chivalrous. I always hold the door open for a woman so I can get a better look at her butt.

   In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to subtly disapprove of everything people do today by loudly exhaling.

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't - Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

   When someone says "I've got the Mondays" I yell "OH I HOPE YOU DON'T DIE FROM IT!" and then we don't ever have to talk again.

   Is the whole point of the Home Depot commercials to make me feel lazy?

   Actually, officer,,, I prefer to think that PBR smells like me.

   I think this time around we elect a 17yr old girl president... That way when the economy goes sour,, she can run to her room and slam the door.

   I'm a Hangman master when we play using binary.

   Good morning beautiful ladies "Kisses" Good morning ugly ladies "handshakes"...

   Help your local police, beat yourself-up.

   Things you should never do after a breakup: 1. Listen to love songs. 2. Read old messages 3. Read their statuses, tweets or updates.

   There is an over abundant amout of "your thumbnail pic was hot but the full size pic made me shudder" on Facebook.

   The opening to OKC-Lakers 2nd half is the perfect commercial for Southwest airlines. Hey Mike Brown, want to get away?

   Cop: "Can you say the alphabet backwords." Me: "Yeah, If you let me write it down frontwords first."

   I just bought a $5 frappuccino at Starbucks and got a free 2 week supply of napkins and sugar. I guess it balances out.

   Boss: You drunk? Me: No I'm totally "sober" Him: Did you do air quotes when you said sober? Me: What? No. Look, I need to get back to "work"

   Step 1: Boil noodles. Step 2: Make sauce. Step 3: Take picture of completed dish before eating and post to Facebook saying "Mmmmm SkETTi!"

   Adele's ex-boyfriend and Gotye's ex-girlfriend should totally hook up.

   I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.

   Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.