Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   teens are getting drunk on Purell. But to be fair, it tastes better than Jagermeister.

   Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays

   Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.

   My wife told me she wanted to increase her workout by doing some cardio, I said grab the lawnmower and push :)

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What! I took an oath!

   Can we start counting magazines as books. I'll sound so much smarter.

   I really wanna say "let's set up a perimeter," but I really don't want to be in a situation where I'd have to.

   No more information! We have too much of that stuff.

   There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep."

   "Your Honor, Mr Travolta attempted to go up my client's nose with a rubber hose"

   If you can't spell " Attorney ", your parents should call your school and demand a refund .

   Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder...

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,

   When you turn on a light and the bulb burns out it's because you suck and that bulb would rather kill itself than hang out with you.

   Sign of the times! Honey come quick, my kids and your kids are beating up our kids.

   I keep my friends close and my enemies on a tight leash.

   Anyone wonder why Internet explorer 9 has commercials? When it comes with every computer anyway, and its free to download?

   *Year 2050* Son: “Dad how did you meet mom?” Dad: “Aaah my son… It all started with a Poke on Facebook”.

   Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

   wow, just heard on the news that all gulliable people that use facebook are going to be charged $17.95 a month to have their photos on facebook!!