Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Husband during anniversary dinner, "I love you so much, let's go do it in the alley. I'll give you $30."

   If your baby is singing a Nicki Minaj song, I will trip that baby.

   If someone sends you 5 texts in a row, and you don't respond, that's basically going to be their suicide note.

   If weddings were for couples there would be men's wedding magazines.

   A great relationship is when you notice your girlfriend has just out-farted your record setting giant fart from 2yrs ago and all you think is ‘Oh my god she did it!!”

   Kim Cattrall must be pretty tired of acting like she's sexy.

   How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?

   Seventy minus one equals dinner for two.

   I think I'm going to get the bird flu from the grey goose and wild turkey I'm drinking tonight

   "Religious moderation is the product of secular knowledge and scriptural ignorance."

   i have a new friend who is deaf. It is great that she reads lips. I just wish she would stop highlighting my mouth every time I say something important.

   If words could kill, I'd sentence you to death.

   I think I got the bird flu from that grey goose last night

   Yard sales: When you want people to pay for your garbage!

   The only reason I can unfasten a bra with two fingers is because my mom let me practice on her until I was twenty three.

   I saw a sign that said 'NO PARKING' so I took out a sharpie & now it says 'NO PARKING UNLESS YOU ARE AWESOME' & now I found a parking spot.

   When a woman gets the security guard and points at you; that means she's interested right?

   Women are like fine wines; you can try to sell them at auctions, but Liam Neeson will find you, and he will kill you.

   My wife always gets the last word in on any argument...anything I say afterwards is the beginning of a new one

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