Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear' know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them

   Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Jersey Shore.

   it cardio if you put on your swimsuit and have a panic attack?

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   Jack White is just Edward Scissorhands with human hands.

   If someone doesn't stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it's totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.

   The Camouflage Snuggie: the ideal gift for the military afficionado in your life who aspires to blend in with a couch.

   When a woman says "I can't get laid" we all know she's just being damn picky.

   The world won't change until there's a tampon commercial where the girls are all curled up on couches and angrily drinking wine.

   Hey everyone storing up food and supplies 'In case of the 2012 apocalypse', if it happens, you're going to be murdered for that sh!t.

   When we were kids, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on our foreheads.

   "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor: "Is this her first child?" Me: "No, this is her husband."

   What do we want? A cure for TOURETTE'S! When do we want it? C@NT'S.

   The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep Happy Mother's Day

   I attribute my great patience to all the dial up porn I watched in the 90s ...

   Happy Mothers Day to all the good Mothers out there and a BIG f#ck you to all the sh!tty ones

   What do Chicago Bulls fans do after watching the Bulls win a play-off game?? ... turn off the play station 3

   I am pretty sure some girls just have babies so they can put it on their Facebook pages.

   If I'm ever resurrected after I'm murdered I'm going to be one vengeful b@stard.