Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Mom is made entirely of flaws,, Stitched together with good intentions and a pantload of love....Love you Ma.

   My ex assured me that size never matter, but all of her dild@s look like they needed a lamp shade on top.

   Girl in nothing but a t shirt-hot! Dude in nothing but a t shirt-perv...

   it is cool that the new deaf guy at our office reads lips, but I wish he would stop using a yellow highlighter every time I say something important.

   My generations attachment parenting was when my mom hit me on the head with the 18 inch long metal serving spoon attached to her hand.

   The word LISTEN contains the same letters as the word SILENT........

   I got 99 problims and speling aint won of thim.

   Oh act like you never bullied someone in school.

   I bet Carroll Shelby went from Alive to Dead in less than 10 seconds

   One Direction goes both ways.

   Johnny Depp dresses like a human dreamcatcher.

   I just saved a bunch of money by shopping online with other people's credit card numbers.

   Every morning me and my dog play rock paper scissors to see who eats first today I finally ate first.

   Last night I brought this woman back from the bar and couldn't get it up. I looked at her and all I could say was; sorry, no hard feelings.

   Wow, Mitt. First animal abuse and now a school bully.....and you think you're a good example?.......of what?

   Thinks everyone should feel "Happy Go Lucky" everyday & not just on Fridays!!!

   Nearly 2 million DEAD Americans are still registered to vote... Therefore, President Obama might LITERALLY be reelected over our DEAD bodies!

   I was at a bar lasy night where the women were so ugly, it took 50 shades of grey goose to make them look good.

   concentrate on fixing your own heterosexual marriage before you lecture on what's wrong with their relationship

   tanning salons should make tanning funner like a tanning moonbounce called the shake n bake