Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   Hitting your hip on a corner and feeling like you've been shot. 

   Guys: Wow, her status is dumb. but she's cute, so I'm going to like it.

   You're at starbucks? Please post pictures of your coffee, I've never seen one before.

   My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry.

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I pay with.

   When I die, I want My body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

   I'm not saying blondes are dumb, but I just saw one snorting Sweet & Low because she thought it was Diet Coke.

   I'd like a $5 dollar footlong"....."That'll be 7.05"....."Bi$ch what??

   Pretending to read your birthday card after the money has fallen out...

   the WNBA season starts Saturday. In related news, no one gives a $hit...

   Odd,, that Yahoo's search for a new CEO got only one result...

   " ROXY " the world's most sophisticated talking woman robot has a $75,000 price tag.. The silent version is $ 45,000

   RIP Donna Summer NOW we will never know who left the cake out in the rain

   Instagram...now everyone thinks they're a professional photographer.

   the fact that I can order Domino's in my underwear without leaving my bed has proven how far technology has really came.... and how fuc%in' lazy I have also became.

   I don't care how nice my neighbors are, I still wanna put their garden hose in their bedroom window and turn it on around 3 am.......

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot, Sweet and "That's mine, don't f*cking touch it!"

   "Let's just be friends" is a woman's way of saying she would rather mutilate her v@gina than sleep with you.