Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will stop drinking when a mute guy tells a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a legless guy walk on water. Get the hint?

   "girls will be boys" - Thai tourism board

   My leg fell asleep; so this means I qualify for handicap parking right?

   Happy Mothers Day to all of you moms and single moms. Also, if any of you women are looking to be a mom; hit me up on the DM.

   Inspired by T.G.I. Fridays, I opened a restaurant called C.L.I. Tuesdays. No one could find it.

   I am starting to think my life is like a revolving door.... Every time I hesitate to go through I get slapped by the door as it passes

   I wonder what eminem is doing for mothers day

   Don't you think it's awkward for most teens today getting a "happy mothers day" for their mistake?

   Question of the day: unibrows- sexy or an evil genius' plot to take over the world?

   On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how big is your foerhead?

   for those who never worked at a restaurant before, walking in 5 minutes before closings automatically entitles you to "special sauce" on whatever you order...

   What do we want? A cure for TOURETTE'S! When do we want it? C(_)NT'S.

   I asked my mom what she wants for Mothersday smh she never changes she said "for you to eat your vegetables"

   To all the mothers: Happy Mother's Day. Don't let it go to your head. You are a working double tomorrow.

   So, if 2 dudes marry, who gets to be the ungrateful, spoiled b!tch??

   Ï believe that upon death,at heavens gate,there are 2 books in which your name need be,the book of life,&the avengers attendance sheet

   I can't believe Mary's parents bought that whole "pregnant virgin" thing.

   To all the Hit Moms out there, Happy M.I.L.F. Day ;)

   Marriage is like a permanent tattoo, looks awesome on others, you want it too, you feel nervous at first, you get it done and then you are stuck with it.. :P

   "You don't have to send your mother anything today, we already paid her enough." - Gay dad