Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them. 

   Welcome to Facebook, where relationships are perfect, liars believe their own lies & the world shows off they are living a great life.

   To those girls on "My Super Sweet 16" that get pissed when daddy buys them the wrong colour Mercedes. SHUT UP! I ride a bike!

   How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?

   Honestly,,,,, I love every single some of you.......

   I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   HEY,,,Being a teenager is hard, you guys.... Especially when you're 45..

   ...I'm begining to think my Amish friend isn't going to text me.

   I have a telescope in the peep hole of my door, so I can see who's at my door for 2 miles…..who is it???? Who's it gonna be when you get here….:)

   it's very important to exercise as we get older. my uncle started walking 5 miles a day when he was 65. today he's 90 and we haven't a sweet jesus clue where he is.

   Dear ugly people: Stop playing hard to get, you're already hard to want

   I went to Wal-Mart to buy shampoo. Spent $150 and forgot the shampoo

   I ShlT you not, Someone just asked me to be a standup comedian for their kid's graduation party.

   Dear cellphone companies: please please , invent a "unsend text" option

   Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.

   Dear God...thank you for all the good times you brought me this spring. Especially for that waitress in Myrtle Beach. You remember her....she kept screaming your name. :)

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   WoW. Think about that word. WoW backwards is WoW. And WoW upside down is MoM. And MoM upside down is dad's favorite thing. :)

   Bacon is bacon; eggs is eggs; dont let them boys between your legs; they'll say your cute; they'll say your fine; 9 months later they'll say it ain't mine.

   ~ What makes a Man happy? Daughter on cover of Cosmo, Son on cover of Sports Illustrated, Mistress on the cover of Playboy & Wife on the missing persons list.