Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not calling you an idiot, but I wouldn't be surprised if you have googled "how to breathe."

   If I had $100 for every time I read something interesting on my Facebook feed, I'd be very poor.

   Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Instagram

   Damn.. who isn't pregnant...?

   You know your a$s is ugly when you're the one always asked to take the photo.

   ATTENTION, Good people of the State Mississippi .... Ancestry.com is NOT an online dating service! ... That is all ...

   If you ever have to choose between a large Weevil and a small Weevil,, take the smaller one... Cause, you know,,, It's the lesser of two weevils.

   Last month,, An ancient tampon was found in a cave in the Yucatan... Archaeologists are not sure which period it's from.

   I woke up and didn't see my shadow, so I went back to sleep for 6 more hours. Pretty sure that's doing it right.7

   If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for sexual favor.

   My hamster died today,he fell asleep at the wheel..

   Red wine goes with meatloaf, right?

   I hope the dudes driving the monster trucks with the silver balls hanging from the trailer hitch appreciates me sprinkling glitter and glue on them. Now their two disco balls.

   Yesterday I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

   I've dedicated my life to getting under age prostitutes off the streets. For an hour or so usually.

   I went to a brothel today, and learnt something new, like, what my neighbor's wife does for a living.

   Mark Zuckerberg is 28 today and is worth $100B. Reminds me of when I was 28 and was able to purchase groceries without selling plasma.

   "I wasn't that drunk." "Dude you logged into Myspace"

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   Good looks are so important when choosing a doctor.