Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A friend said lunch tomorrow and lets go "DUTCH" So I showed up with my DUTCH oven ready to go..

   :My girlfriend and I both think she's put on some weight. The difference? She's the only one who says it out loud. Yes, I'm smart

   My ex broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with footbal. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 5 1/2 seasons.

   I think it's safe to assume that Nick Stahl is dead from an overdose and his body is probably out in the Nevada desert laying against a Joshua tree by now....I mean his character from Terminator wasn't too put together either.

   You people really do need a sense of humor... many of your votes are wrong!!!

   Desperate for sex I headed to the local club and immediately started chatting to the 1st girl I saw and got right to the point. "Hey beautiful, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" "Unfertilized." she replied.

   Bacon pie crust. Does that exist? Because if it doesn't I think I'm going to be a millionaire.

   Hey guys, if you wanna know if your new girl is keepin' up with her "womanscaping"... take a look at her feet. If they look like an eagle's talons, run... run hard and run fast. You're Welcome. :)

   I am not mean, I am blunt. Which means I will tell you the clear difference between a bit naive, and INCREDIBLY STUPID!

   Everything happens for a reason. - What I say when I put my foot up so far up your ass you'll be sneezing toenails.

   Sittin' in the Dr.'s office next to the "turn off cell phone" sign using my phone to share this with you. Because, yeah... that's how I f*ckin' roll. :)

   It's funny how the things I like most on a woman are the things I like most on chickens....... "Legs and breast."

   "I'm sorry, baby, I just have a lot on my plate right now." - Me breaking up with my girlfriend at Old Country Buffet

   Spare the rod, spoil the child? Um, no thanks. That sounds gross. How about I just keep using my rod to spoil these lovely ladies? (^^,)

   Just spilled coffee on my crotch. Now I have a hot rod.

   My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a sh!t.

   To the person who put those three stupid messages using my ID... Your m0m's 0rg@sm face looks scary...

   More than 7 billion other people in the world,and not one of them is naked in front me right now. That's not right...

   Hershey's is coming out with a new candy bar for transvestites... called Heshey's