Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like a $5 dollar footlong"....."That'll be 7.05"....."Bi$ch what??

   Pretending to read your birthday card after the money has fallen out...

   the WNBA season starts Saturday. In related news, no one gives a $hit...

   Odd,, that Yahoo's search for a new CEO got only one result...

   " ROXY " the world's most sophisticated talking woman robot has a $75,000 price tag.. The silent version is $ 45,000

   RIP Donna Summer NOW we will never know who left the cake out in the rain

   Instagram...now everyone thinks they're a professional photographer.

   the fact that I can order Domino's in my underwear without leaving my bed has proven how far technology has really came.... and how fuc%in' lazy I have also became.

   I don't care how nice my neighbors are, I still wanna put their garden hose in their bedroom window and turn it on around 3 am.......

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot, Sweet and "That's mine, don't f*cking touch it!"

   "Let's just be friends" is a woman's way of saying she would rather mutilate her v@gina than sleep with you.

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   For $38 a share, you can own a piece of Facebook. I want to buy that thumbs-up "like button". Anyone want to share that cost?

   The boss phoned and yelled "Are you still asleep?.... You should have been here two hours ago!" I said "Why... what happened two hours ago?"

   So my neighbor comes over last night and has the nerve to tell me to turn my music down.......So I says "What the heck are you even doing up at 2:00 am in the first place?!"

   Facebook has made me a better writer. My work emails are succinct, well-worded, and they make at least one reference to balls, farts, or sex.

   Wise man:"Some girls beg, some girls borrow. Some girls lead & some girls follow. Some bring joy & some bring sorrow, but the best girls just suck & swallow!"

   I have heard of women that aren't crazy, but I've also heard of Unicorns.

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.