Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When will women understand that pouting and doing the duck-face is not sexy at all? Oh and include acting dumb on that list.

   a texas tourist asked an irish man why divers fall backwards when diving to which he replied: if they fell forward they would still be on the boat

   Well, personally I haven't met Mrs Right but I have met her evil twin, Mrs Always-Right.

   Nice guys finish last. Bad boys finish on her face.

   it just me or does anybody else miss the days when music on the radio sounded good, made sense, and actually required talent to make?????

   My birthday suit used to fit much better than this…

   I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.

   Know your limitations, people. Sometimes certain body cavities just won't stretch that far.

   If it's a lady, I like to speak quickly in the drive-thru at Burger King by saying: "I have a Whopper!" When they ask: "what would you like on it?" YOU!

   I don't understand why you're mad. I used YOUR name as my password, honey! :) Who cares if the "hint" to retrieve it is ....BlTCH?

   WTF is with the "poke" suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?

   Friends are like condoms. They are always there to protect you when things get hard.

   With all the talent in America it looks like they could have found someone with it to host and judge the show...

   People come in many colors. Orange should not be one of them.

   Dear phone. If you wouldn't remind me every ten seconds that my battery was low, I'd be able to finish my status upda

   He's got moves like Jagger.... Sorry.. Palsy.... He's got palsy

   I bet Australian storm chasers are bummed out when they realize it's just another Tasmanian devil.

   Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   on a scale of Rihanna to Christina Ricci: How big is your forehead?