Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just told an ethiopian to shut his fly hole.....in retrospect, I guess that was mean.

   surprised my wife with a beautiful necklace and dinner last night...well actually, the candy necklace was her dinner...but hey, its the thought that counts

   My neighbor is opening a pig farm... Just caught wind of it today.

   Apparently,,, Someone's been putting Rogaine on my Q-Tips and toilet paper.

   Man Utd have just announced, that after a trophyless season & a run of disappointing results, they have this morning, sacked Howard Webb..!!

   Through technical scientific research, I have discovered a direct correlation between the size of a woman's breasts and how mentally unstable she is. The bigger the boobs, the bigger the crazy.

   Don't take this the wrong way, but putting your number on FB, asking people to 'invite' you on WhatsApp, has got to be on some world record level of DESPERATE

   If buying cereal for the coveted toy inside is wrong , I don't want to be right .

   Hey FB friend, the only time I've acknowledged you ever was thirty seconds after I accepted your friend request I scanned through your photos with negative results.

   I'm confused...someone just said the disco queen died, but John Travolta appears to still be alive.

   An autopsy report reviled that marijuana was found in Trayvon's blood system... Now I'm really pissed!  Zimmerman making Travon smoke weed before shooting him? That's just wrong!

   Click "Like" if you're for team Zimmerman. Click "Unfriend" if you're for team Martin.

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   Hitting your hip on a corner and feeling like you've been shot. 

   Guys: Wow, her status is dumb. but she's cute, so I'm going to like it.

   You're at starbucks? Please post pictures of your coffee, I've never seen one before.

   My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry.

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I pay with.

   When I die, I want My body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

   I'm not saying blondes are dumb, but I just saw one snorting Sweet & Low because she thought it was Diet Coke.