Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Motto in a Relationship is : "You Take Care Of Me, And I'll Take Care Of US"

   Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear...'Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep.'

   Women are like iPhones: You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries: Rub one ball and everything moves

   I don't care about what you're doing, I want hear about how much you hate what you're doing

   She said "Every Kiss begins with K", I said "To bad Ugly begins with U"

   Quick question, Ladies, If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the f$ck are you doing?

   "911, What is your emergency?" "2 girls are fighting over me!" "So what's the problem sir?" "The ugly one is winning"

   Alcohol doesn't cause Hangovers...Waking up does...

   Official #Facebook IPO slogan: "You've already wasted your time on Facebook. Now waste your money."

   My wife and I have a waterbed - I call it the "Dead Sea"!

   I've never slowly walked backwards in my home, which I credit as the only reason I've never been attacked by maniacs.

   if you're going to steal another post, you might go back about 1000 pages. Some of us have nothing better to do than bust your a$$ for reposting…

   During sex, you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles,,,,,, Wait, Who the heck runs 5 miles in 2 minutes???

   This trucker just cut me off and now when I call to complain no one is answering at 1-800 EAT SH!T.

   I'm more pissed off than a mosquito in a room full of mannequins.

   5 missed calls from your girlfriend means you have missed a good night. 5 missed calls from your wife means....that you are screwed!

   On a scale of 1 to LL Cool J, my dog doesn't lick his lips that much.

   Show me on the doll where gas prices touched you.

   I wish my neighbor's dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.

   I Can not tell a lie with out believing it first My self..Elvis lives..!