Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wake up!” Me: (~_~) (-_-) (o_-) (-_o) (>_<) (o_O) (o_o)

   Half eaten Swiss Cake Rolls taste twice as delicious when snatched from the desperate grip of a small child.

   Distance is the biggest co*kblocker of them all.

   I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.

   Yesterday my coworker gave me the finger but today we're cool... this morning he high 4'd me.

   My computer just told me that "hgsfdahgdf.jpg" already exists... WHAT THE F*CK... I'm buying a lottery ticket.

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

   WTF...It should be illegally for a woman to have a nice ass body with a Not so nice face... Its like when GOD was creating her he thought too himself, "You know what would be real funny...." #Mr.Brown

   feeling as sprightly today as Jimi Hendrix... or anyone else who has been dead for 40 years.

   i dont know whats worst..hearing dane cooks jokes..or seeing them recycled here all the time

   China thinks they own the entire planet

   I don't hate you…I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence

   trying to engineer how to get rid of the electricals

   I want a drug sniffing dog but for all the wrong reasons

   Nomophobia, the fear of being without a cell phone, is the most common phobia

   Stop adding people you don't know on Facebook as your “friends”. Friends aren't Pokemon cards, you can't collect them all!

   I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can't say ‘M' without your lips touching. 2.You're trying it now looking like an idiot. 3.Now you're smiling.

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet

   BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them