Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We live in a time period of smart phones and stupid people.

   In times of great sadness, terrible pain & unreasonable hardship try putting your faith in convenience store scratch tickets.

   Thank you for your payment, I'm going to give you a confirmation number." "Cool, I'm going to pretend I'm writing it down.

   You never fully realize how terrible your toothbrush is until you get a new one.

   I like a strong woman with a broken accent. They no like game, take slow time to know & want ask this to you so for please no lie.

   I can't believe I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

   This lady on the highway is driving like a maniac & she has kids in the car. Lady I'm not following you. I want to watch Ice Age too.

   Oh, your boyfriend has swag? That`ll pay your bills in 10 years.

   This girl in class just pulled out an antique camera and asked me to take her a picture.....Anyone remembers how to use those 35mm diposable camera from Walgreens? I totally forgot.. Do I wind it up left or right b4 the picture?

   you know you're too fat when the underwear company renames your size as udderwear

   My wife was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit.

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed thinking.. "Wow, I can teleport".

   It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's a life of piracy on the high seas.

   I insisted that my girl accompany me on a fishing trip. That opened up a new can of worms.

   Facebook stock down 4.20 today... coincidence?

   It's thundering so hard outside right now that it sounds like Rick Ross & Precious are wrestling.

   It's a shame that most things aren't pies. More things should be pies.

   Groupon's slogan should be: "Nothing you want but at least your inbox isn't empty!"

   "Stoned to Death" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.