Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

   Here's to the women who love me terribly, May they soon improve.

   You stopped serving breakfast at 10:30!?! Seriously? Who gets here by 10:30? What am I, a fn farmer?

   My girl says she doesn't want me j@rking off in the shower anymore. I told her its my d!ck and I'll wash it as fast as I want to.

   Try this: Get in a elevator with a bunch of strangers make sure you'r closest to the door,then turn and say, "I'm sure you'r all wondering why I gathered you here."

   a woman's mid section is called a waist because there's clearly room for 2 more breasts...

   Sometimes, I say weird things during intercourse, like "I love you" and/or "Please look directly into the camera and say you have agreed to this."

   going to have some explaining to do if I ever accept my new GF's friend request...

   "Dr. Oz" sounds like the guy you'd buy shrooms from in community college.

   I bet in hell you have to sleep in a hot bedroom with a pillow that never has a cool side.

   A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.

   Don't get fooled by the free toilet paper app., My phone is ruined now

   PLEASE,, Let's have a moment of silence for all those who have ever been stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles..

   Since I've never been married I like to refer my Wife Beater simply as a Peter Beater instead.

   Came home to find my gf lying on the bed in crotchless panties. "Hey Baby", she says. "Would you like some of this?" "Hell no!!" , is my reply. "Look what it did to your underwear!!!"

   Just stared in horror at the contents of my son's diaper & asked him why he's doing this to our family.

   Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

   Breaking the Seal - Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

   Some people think their religion and political views are “correct” and everyone else to them must be wrong. Some people seem to think their view of what work and life should be (or can be) is the right one…and everyone else is a dumb-dumb.

   I want a girl that can swallow my pride.