Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   well, I was going to Google something.. but ended up playing the electric piano instead. Thanks Google."

   My ex girlfriend looks like she hit a wall... And kept running into it over and over.

   I let my girlfriend wear the pants in our relationship, but it's me that decides when they come off!

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.

   If I started my own Chip Company, I'd fill the bags to the top!

   We live in a culture where we are surrounded by smart phones and stupid people.

   Thanks to push-up bras and low cut shorts, I can now get to 2nd base w/ your girlfriend just by looking at her FB profile pic.

   Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me a damn secrets???

   S.I.N.G.L.E. = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one (L)ife's (E)asier

   Strange how I'm only on Facebook when I'm on the toilet... I'm literally giving a s$it while reading stuff I don't give a s$it about.

   It's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Wal-Mart" is a reality TV show.

   Time is like a stretched elastic band. You can't let it go or it'll come back and take your balls out.

   Doctors handwriting: ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏. What I see: ǽ₮∂￦￡. What the pharmacist sees: Aspirin you dumb ass.

   a tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

   doctors finally figured out whats wrong with peoples brains; on the left side, there's nothing right; and on the right side, there's nothing left…

   always learn from mistakes of others who took your advice

   If you didn't want me to do you then why were you saggin your pants?-Inmate 2541

   I have come to the conclusion that I have a mammographic memory...

   Mark Zuckerburg is worth billions. Yet, he marries Priscilla Chan. He would have been better off with a mail order bride.

   I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.