Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   at the end of the day what really matters is not much. if you laughed more than you cried,smiled more than you frowned,told your friends and family that you loved them,and had a pretty good time doing what you do for a living,then it was a good day. go to

   Now days spelling "good" is as simple as paying attention in school

   Don't try to high five blind people Ryan Seacrest, it is awkward.

   I don't care what the damn expiration date says, I'm smelling the milk before I drink it.

   A rejected highfive is one of the biggest insults there is.

   Facebook's friend suggestion section should be renamed to "People you know, but probably hate."

   I want to quit drinking, but my momma didn't raise a quitter!

   Oh, you're engaged and in high school? I'm sure your marriage will last forever.

   What if that guy just found a mountain that looked like those presidents and then told everyone he carved it?

   Nowdays spending time thinking for a gud status is quite easier than searching for it here

   Whats the point of a High School Reunion? I have Facebook, I already know you got fat!

   Fellas, If a girl switches from Cowgirl to Doggy-Style on her own, without even needing to be told........ you have found a f*ck Goddess.

   Fellas, you can usually judge a woman's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a slut.

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, weird... I heard you were better."

   Whenever someone describes themselves as curvy, I always picture Owen Wilsons' nose.

   I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.

   I'm fighting the worst case of bad breath EVER! It's tough holding a co-worker down while you brush his teeth.

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important.

   Jenna Jameson was arrested for a DUI which means she can now add the breathalyzer to the long list of things she's blown.

   part of a rally rallying for more jobs...I don't get why the police singled me out just because I had the word "blow" before "job" on my placard!