LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   I used to have an invisible friend, then I stopped going to church.

   The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.They sent me Diana Ross

   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.

   Just call her the Carpenter's Special: flat as a board and never been nailed.

   Anything you say will be held against you. "Tit".

   I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

   There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

   Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to talk and walk,then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

   ..will keep a close eye on Santas stat updates. The minute he writes "just passed over crack house with ugly skank looking out window" i'll wave.

   hacked into Santa's computer,cleared the naughty list out..and has changed "coal" under Present List to "PS3""Wii" and "iphone".

   Hukd on Fonics werked for me!

   As long as there are tests,there will always be public prayers in schools.

   Change is inevitable,except from vending machines.

   My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

   Mondays aren't so bad...it's my job that sucks.

   so lazy, she'll fight that little stone in her shoe till the end of the day

   so lazy, she'll fight that little stone in my shoe till the end of the day.

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the toilet.

   The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

   My friend has just been sacked from the jigsaw factory. She's in pieces.