Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I recently saved a ton of money on my car insurance. By fleeing all scenes of accidents.

   The K.K.K. may be worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant washing powder they use.

   I smoked a lot of weed tonite. I'm higher than the crime rates in a black neighborhood.

   I walked past a car filled with Mexican teens and they locked all the doors. I was feeling like a bad ass until I realized, it was my damn car.

   I like girls that smoke weed. You could say I have high standards.

   Some days you tame the tiger. And some days the tiger has you for lunch.

   between parkinson's and alzheimer's I would rather have Parkinson's. I would rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it.

   My only argument with using the treadmill,, is that I can't run away from my farts.

   My wife says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse,,, she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

   REMEMBER: a noisy BBQ may upset your neighbours. Another great way to annoy them is to throw your rubbish into their garden...

   at the end of the day what really matters is not much. if you laughed more than you cried,smiled more than you frowned,told your friends and family that you loved them,and had a pretty good time doing what you do for a living,then it was a good day. go to

   Now days spelling "good" is as simple as paying attention in school

   Don't try to high five blind people Ryan Seacrest, it is awkward.

   I don't care what the damn expiration date says, I'm smelling the milk before I drink it.

   A rejected highfive is one of the biggest insults there is.

   Facebook's friend suggestion section should be renamed to "People you know, but probably hate."

   I want to quit drinking, but my momma didn't raise a quitter!

   Oh, you're engaged and in high school? I'm sure your marriage will last forever.

   What if that guy just found a mountain that looked like those presidents and then told everyone he carved it?

   Nowdays spending time thinking for a gud status is quite easier than searching for it here