Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Came home to find my gf lying on the bed in crotchless panties. "Hey Baby", she says. "Would you like some of this?" "Hell no!!" , is my reply. "Look what it did to your underwear!!!"

   Just stared in horror at the contents of my son's diaper & asked him why he's doing this to our family.

   Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

   Breaking the Seal - Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

   Some people think their religion and political views are “correct” and everyone else to them must be wrong. Some people seem to think their view of what work and life should be (or can be) is the right one…and everyone else is a dumb-dumb.

   I want a girl that can swallow my pride.

   Please don't trip when I act weird around you, it just means I am comfortable around you.

   It seems women are not content with just being women these days. First there was Beyonce with “If I was a boy” now there is this Bieber chick with “If I was your boyfriend”

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right". Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   One in two people suffer from chronic suspicion. Could it be the person you're with RIGHT NOW??

   Tell me about a time you made someone feel like sh!t." - airline employee interview question.

   I tried to end this farce of a life by jumping off a bridge only to discover that I can fly

   Don't be sad because someone gave up on you. Feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would never give up on them.

   When the zombie apocalypse happens, gamers will survive. It will be up to the dorks to reproduce... they will finally get laid!

   Did we give a Nobel Prize to the guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon?

   The biggest lie I tell myself: I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.

   I was the kid that would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose.

   it considered drinking alone if you're on Facebook?

   hey... I just met you, and this is crazy, but please shut the f$ck up.

   Ever notice the car dealerships commercials with hundreds of people running there to buy there cars...lol that never happens theres no one there..dah.!