Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are like steaks. They should be a little thick,really juicy and eaten at least once a week

   Before I get into the shower at the gym I yell "Hey Fag!" If any one turns around I leave.

   Women, not all guys talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.

   There's something about you I don't like, but I can't seem to put my middle finger on it.

   My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"

   Don't know what I'd do with my life if Facebook didn't notify me that my hundreds of friends changed their profile picture every 5 minutes.

   A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last Sta

   I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!

   If you're reading this and you're under 12 years old... Don't grow up, it's a f*cking trap.

   Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.

   What do you call a black businessman? A drug dealer.

   See?? I told you not to let me hold the chainsaw,,,,,, Now clean up this mess and think about what I've done.

   You have to work to get me and you have to work to keep me.

   Mans face eat'n in Miami the Apocalypse has begun.!

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. So if you see him without an erection... make him a sandwich!

   I have been watching that new reality show on the History channel...I had no idea that Bill Paxton hated Kevin Costner....

   While its always good to honer our service men and women, Memorial Day is to honer FALLEN heros.

   Its that time of the year again, the baithing suit pictures flood our news feed. If I wanted to see all those breats' and thighs, I'd just go to KFC!

   If Bebier goes to Jail will he come out singing like Eminem ??

   Brunch with a spork ...that's how I roll