Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"

   The second Pop-Tart exists solely to hammer home the self-loathing initiated by the first Pop-Tart.

   A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"

   I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.

   My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.

   Girl's facebook status: I'm done with this sh!t.. Me: Did you wipe?

   Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.

   Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?

   I'd be more willing to date, if women were less willing to talk.

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   Honey, do you remember those days when we first met and you'd wake up and leave for a few days? Those were some GOOD times huh.....right.......hello? What did I say now?

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   I see you have a tribal tattoo, I didn't know Douchebag was a tribe.

   I just peed double streams. Is this my superpower?

   Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga

   Don't you hate it when you brush your tongue then gag from going too far back!!? If no or n/a, please contact me, ASAP. Chics only, please. K thanks.

   Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?

   I have a feeling if I was superhero, my name would be Sarcasmo.

   trying to figure out the Euro debt crisis but it's all Greek to me...

   I wish the cast of Jersey Shore had to compete in the Hunger Games.