Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.

   a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!

   A stepdad should be called a “Faux Pa.”

   Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those live forever.

   Just hired a cat sitter to sit on my cat.

   Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever.

   I wonder if Pitbull reallizes that he is the NEXT Li'L John ?

   USA Today should just change their name to USA Day Before Yesterday...

   I dreamed last night I was with Jesus and we were riding dinosaurs. Awkward...

   do not interfere when 2 gay guys argue. You never know when it may come to blows...

   I hate when I'm at someone's house & they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" "How did you get in?" And "Is that a gun?

   WHENEVER YOU GET BORED , SEND THIS TEXT TO A RANDOM NUMBER....." I KILLED HIM , NOW WHAT ? "

   Dance like no one is watching or just stop dancing in public you weirdo.

   The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.

   It's weird how all the floor around my father is made of eggshells.

   1. Say "Dale!" 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.

   You know things must've gotten serious when you see a gold hoop earring laying in the Walmart parking lot.

   I hate it when I read something on her3 thats so funny that I burst out laughing it makes my neighbors realize that I'm hiding under their bed.

   Fantasy sentence for pedophiles, rapists & animal abusers: Reduce the size of the license plate production zone and build a non-sterile room for use exclusively to test beauty products and corrosive industrial cleaning products on said wastes of skin.