Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook seems like the best place to come out of the closet. If it doesn't go over well you can just say you were hacked.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags? Ok, maybe I don't know what the word ‘ironic' means.

   I just ate empanadas and listened to old Menudo records. I'm pretty sure that makes me more Puerto Rican than Jennifer Lopez now.

   Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.

   Three Muslims walked into a bar. I thought "Screw this" and left instantly.

   Cows are a bit like Jesus, the only difference is they turn grass into milk.

   Dance like you're naked. And thin. And pretty.

   Best magic trick I ever pulled was making a house a boat and two motorcycles disappear into bag of cocaine.

   I learned all my fighting moves from mortalkombat basically it's just me jumping and somersaulting until the other person gets tired&leaves

   Zombie Apocalypse? I'd like to give those Zombies a piece of my mind..

   I fingered you in 8th grade. I don't want to have a 15 minute conversation with you and your husband at Best Buy.

   “Get off my balcony!!” — What my neighbor used to say to pigeons. Sometimes to me.

   Revenge is a dish best served without bacon.

   Dear Liver: thank you for being a most gracious and forgiving blood filter. Love, me.

   The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off!!!

   "Follow me, follow me, follow me, follow me, but don't lose your grip." - Snoop Dogg prophesying the coming of Twitter in 1993.

   If women want to be treated as equals to men, we're going to need to start seeing a lot more deadbeat moms and manizers.

   I either need a new dentist or i'm just too far behind in the times. What does my Prostate have to do with oral hygiene???

   So, what has the Queen ever done for us?

   Ahhhh,,, At last, my wife has found something her butt does not look big in............... Walmart