Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have to kiss ass to get ahead… you got behind.

   Did you know the ocean gets it's saltiness from the tears of misunderstood sharks who just want to cuddle.

   The lady in front of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

   I just want to find someone that doesn't deserve my affection so I don't feel guilty when I treat them like sh!t.

   It's not that I can't sleep it's more like sleep is really boring.

   Her: I want to kiss you where you pee. Me: In the shower?

   Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don't forget what it's like to have a boyfriend.

   If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask "Does he bite?"

   The early bird needs to shut up.

   Some legends say we must sacrifice Justin Bieber to appease the dark forces inside Syria.

   Lonely and unloved? There's a cat for that.

   The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

   Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

   Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from your parents' lofty expectations?

   Dear Someone: I miss you so damn much!

   They say "Opposites attract" but they never tell you for how long.

   Pregnancy...when the belly starts to show...the tiddays start to grow.

   One more foursquare check-in at McDonald's and Mayor McCheese gets to steppin'.

   Standing in walmart cosmetics aisle with wife and she asks me if she should try this tube of wrinkle remover. I replied "it's kind of a small tube, isn't it?". I've stopped coughing up blood, so the doctors optimistic.

   My Wife said the other day "Do you still love me now that I'm getting old and fat?". Apparently "you're not old" was an inppropriate response.