Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Damn you, books on shelves that don't activate a secret door.

   When I'm inevitably brought to justice for my crimes against humanity I hope I'm found "incredibly" guilty and not just "regular" guilty.

   If I'm on a date & its bad, I'm just gonna stand up & say "I'm an actor, they're all actors & you're on MTV's Disaster Date!" & run out.....

   I found a butterfly on the ground that had no wings. So, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... it drowned.

   How long will it take our government to have a zombie vaccination

   I'm hungry, and the only thing around is this guys face next to me.

   Ever read the nutrition facts on a bottle of water??? It does nothing for you people!!

   Random Fact: Girls don't CARRY condoms in their wallets like men do... Instead, they HIDE them under the powder in their compacts. "LIKE" if you know this to be true.

   "You have the cutest little baby back rib face." The last thing you want to hear in Florida.

   I don't care what you listened to on spotify.

   Are we running out of chickens to eat? Another student found eating brains and heart cops says!

   Bath salts side effects include: hallucinations, delusions, erratic behavior, immunity to bullets and being a terrible kisser.

   I can sponsor a child for $.79 a day, but it costs me $2.99 a minute to chat with my "special friend"! Sorry poor, starving children. Its a tough economy so daddy needs his sexy talk.

   If your friends always ask you to take pictures, are they not also implying you're too damn ugly to be in those pictures?

   Florida's Zombie, Florida's Zimmerman, Florida's Laws, and Florida's Heat Team....sounds like Floridans are leading the chart in the Funny

   Spike Lee must have planted that extra passport and assets on George Zimmermen!!!

   remember the good ole days when you only had to worry about creepy white guys trying to eat your face.

   If you hang around four broke people, I guarantee you will be the fifth.

   My legs are so white they signed their kids up for way too many extra-curricular activities.

   Hey Merriweather, since you're ducking Pacquiao you can fight O.J. now!!! Inmate!