Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I almost caused an accident trying to open a piece of candy. Can you imagine dying over a Lemon Starburst? #ultimatefail

   I feel bad for kids nowadays that see a cool new toy on tv that they want, but have no way of getting, because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.

   This salad bar sucks. I must've had like 10 shots of this “Italian Dressing” and I'm not the slightest bit drunk.

   If this day had a face, it would be that of an evil clown laughing maniacally at me.

   The MTV Movie Awards are a great reminder of why kids should never be allowed to vote.

   "Sorry, you're not my type." "WELL YOU'RE NOT MY SPECIES."

   Condoms definitely lessen the pleasure but kids kill it altogether.

   Becareful, the only reason some people decide to get married is just so they can start blaming someone else for their disaster of self.

   You see a lovely group of friends at a dinner party, I see a bunch of people being forced to hold in their farts.

   I remember when The Miss USA Pageant used to mean something! Wait, no, I'm thinking about the Pulitzer. Sorry,enjoy the boobies.

   I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.

   The silence between my status updates is the sound of my real life.

   We're all adults here, you can say "p0rn" instead of "late night commercial"

   I'm not sure how many contact lenses I put in the same eye this morning, but I can see Saturn's rings from here.

   V@gina is my weapon of choice.

   Politicians are like prostitutes; they get paid to pretend they like people while they are screwing them.

   I'm not a player, I just tuck a lot. ~Transvestites

   Facebook needs a “Drama of the day” section in my news feed.

   Ladies, if you are wearing an excessively short skirt this summer, please do everybody a favor and shave. And I am not talking about legs.

   on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades