Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even as we speak, the Fine Young Cannibals try to find a way to revive their careers in light of recent news stories on cannibalism.

   Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it

   Shot some fish in a barrel today. More difficult than you'd think.

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 45 minute flute solo.

   Tell your boss what you really think of him and the truth shall set you free.

   I ask Google all the questions I'm too embarrassed to ask other people.

   I was on the treadmill for over an hour today. Tomorrow I might even turn it on.

   16 and pregnant? What about 18 and graduated ? 22 and successful?

   $2.75 Trojans or $19.99 Huggies? You make the decision.

   its time to call clowns what they really are- smiling murderers

   I just got an email from Facebook that I have 7 friends with birthdays this month. I didn't even know that I had 7 friends, or Facebook.

   Never bring a knife to a gunfight. But if you bring one to a tickle fight, you will TOTALLY win.

   took you to dinner,a movie,then for drinks,get back to your house then tell me you have your period (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   I don't hate anyone enough to want to marry them.

   Um, hello Police? I'd like to report a robbery. Somebody stole one of my stats. A stat It's like, a sentence you put on a website. Hello?

   I met my perfect match on ePharmacy.com

   The only thing more stressful than a blind date is meeting a new drug dealer for the first time

   Whether being sincere or romantic, never, EVER, call your wife the 8th wonder of the world when she is PMSing!!

   Tonight , I will be the Designated Drunk

   RIP Richard Dawson Family Feud guy