Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PRIVACY NOTICE: Warning - any person and/or institution and/or Agent .... oh hell... If I really gave a sh#t, I/you would not even be on Facebook.

   If you really cared you wouldn't ignore my text, neglect my feelings and forget my existence.

   Great.! finally a online dating site that meets my needs imtobusy.com

   WARNING: Unhealthy relationships may cause headaches, stress & a waste of your time. The cure for this is to be single.

   They say money doesn't buy happiness, so I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone and test out that theory for $100,000,000. I promise to document any frowning while paragliding, jet skiing, driving a Lambo or flying in my G5

   The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.

   Baracknophobia: A fear of four more years.

   The days when men knew how to treat women were the days when women knew their place.

   If we learn by our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education.

   I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...

   Hey, dude who's still lighting fireworks at midnight, nobody would notice a couple of gunshots right now.

   "May your beer always be dry and your women always moist."

   Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile

   I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.

   I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

   The definition of attention seeking.. Updating your Facebook status in capital letters!

   If infants can enjoy their infancy why can't adults enjoy adultery?

   The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.

   Those rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don't they?

   McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.