Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need anger management -I need people to stop pissing me the hell off!!

   Screw it, I'm starting Friday now.

   Ladies, most of the time us guy are like placemats. We only show up when there's food on the table.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."

   Another Sign of getting older: When you recall Nick-At-Night was once mostly Black & White!

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy. But I just ate bath salts and you look tasty

   If a girl got naked in front of me at this point , I'd probably jerk off out of habit, and fold her in half like my laptop when I'm done.

   I used to call my toilet The Dumper, now I call it the Donald Trumper.

   Dog is man's best friend. Cat is an acquaintance.

   I don't mean to sound dubstep but boommmm ngeeekkk whoobwobwobwobwob whawhawhaw.

   Can someone please snort bath salts next time they see Justin Bieber in person?

   Has 99 problems. All bittches.

   Today I am the C.E.O of the "I Don't Give A Sh*t" Committee........ We Are Hiring

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink...

   Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I have alzheimer's.................hey I just met you.

   The Best solution against Zombies, is Weed......Light em Up!

   If you have to kiss ass to get ahead… you got behind.

   Did you know the ocean gets it's saltiness from the tears of misunderstood sharks who just want to cuddle.

   The lady in front of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.