Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Bill Gates feels like a million bucks, he's having a crappy day.

   am sorry boss, I know I said I'd do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.

   With soaring gas prices and my abnormally sized feet, I am thinking that I will be Yabba-dabba-dooing it to work this week!

   Would you like your disappointment on the rocks?

   Got down from my car to beat up the guy who took my parking space then I realized he's a UFC fighter so I said "does your car need washing?"

   Trying to convince my boss that a dog ate my quarterly report.

   I hate when my girlfriend lets something silly like a restraining order get in between us.

   Fun facebook prank:Upload a blank black picture then tag your darkest black friend ....Have fun ;D

   Her: "Did you download the new Justin Bieber album?" Me: "No...I've got a horrible case of good taste in music."

   If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you've done your job as a parent.

   They have hookers at the Market now...brb I need some Cantaloupes

   I should marry my neighbour. He doesn't live with me, we never speak, and we see each other naked all the time.

   Not saying I'm hot but I just set off the smoke alarm in my house. Okay, I burned lunch. Whatever.

   I want to date a therapist. So I can talk about myself all day and I don't have to pay them to listen.

   Something's been eating away at me for a while. (It's nothing that a simple drive out of Miami won't cure.)

   if you want to know what rich people do, just follow me. I know where they live...

   I want to buy the jersey of my favorite 2012 Stanley Cup Champion player ... but nobody my age wants to advertise the work "Quick" on their back ...

   Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?

   A Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: "Hey let's go screw that little boy" Rabbi: "Out of what?"

   that risky towel walk you have to do from the shower to the bedroom