Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

   Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

   He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are. That’s how the fight started

   Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

   I just saw 9 homeless people giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in. ‬

   I gotta stop taking that Ambian for sleep. When I went to sleep we all agreed that Segregation was wrong. I woke up this morning and it’s ok again? What did I miss

   Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

   At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

   The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

   Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

   Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.

   Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.

   Feel bad for all the kids who probably won't be trick-or-treating this year, but just think of all the candy they'll be for 50% off the day after!

   Let's face it. The first thing a guy does after a woman accepts his friends request is look for bikini pics.

   Excited to be able to bet on the NFL again. I got money on the coronavirus shutting down the league in week3.

   This lifelong football fan now has an extra 3 hours to do projects and other tasks like shopping on Sundays from now on.

   Saw a mail truck in the cemetery today. I guess they have started delivering the ballots!

   First Responders of 911 were not honored by the NFL last night. A rapist was.

   When I was young I could climb mountains. Now, I have to steady myself to fart.

   Friend: Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.... Me: Yeah, that and crabs.